I have never in my entire life been this angry. Nothing has ever made me this mad.
I've never yelled so much or cried so much in a single day as I did today.
I received a call this morning that Baby A and his brother would be placed with a family willing to take both them tomorrow.
That's when the yelling started. Tomorrow? Seriously?
And they were serious. So serious that every person I talked to acted like I was an insane person for trying to get the boys some much needed transition time to make the move to this new foster home.
Here's the thing, our intent is not, was not, has never been to keep this baby forever. We love him like he's ours because that's what he deserves and if it came down to, we would absolutely adopt him. But that's not what this is about.
We believe that it's best for these boys to be together in the right situation. They're brothers. That bond is one that they will hopefully have their entire lives. A sibling bond is so very important, especially to a child in foster care.
Last week, there was a potential placement for the boys. It was with another family in our agency. We met with the foster mom and her daughter and niece at Chic-fil-A. She held Baby A and asked questions about him and his brother, and we answered. And we told her the truth.
That same day, she called our agency and told them she couldn't take the boys. I don't know what she said. I've heard so many versions of it at this point that I don't know who to believe anymore.
And ever since that day, everything has been different. Our worker told Brian today that we sabotaged the placement and because of that, they couldn't risk us meeting these new foster parents and having another failed placement.
So basically, if you want the cliff notes version, because we met this mom and told her all about these boys, and she decided not to take them, we became the bad guys, and we have been ever since.
I have felt like a criminal today. Like I have done something wrong. The last time I checked, all I did was love this baby like he was my own. Loved him. Fought for him. Invested in him. Invested in his momma. And now, because I might sabotage the next placement, we can't transition the boys.
That's what's happening, and I'm not one bit okay with it.
I've never been this angry. I don't know that I've ever felt righteous anger until today.
Brian was driving Addison to church tonight and telling her that Baby A would probably be going to a new home tomorrow and that we might not get to see him again. And she said that she knew because "momma was really mad today."
My kids saw me fight today. They say me cry. They heard me yell. And then tonight, Brian got to tell Addison about what righteous anger is. He said it's okay to be angry when your angry for the right reasons. That's what righteous anger is. He told her about Jesus coming into the temple and being righteously angry at the vendors there selling their goods. Jesus was angry, and He had every right to be angry.
And even though everyone involved keeps treating me like I'm crazy because I'm asking for a healthy transition for these boys, I know I'm angry for the right reasons.
I've talked to so many people today and heard so many sides to so many stories that I honestly don't know who to believe anymore.
I've also made new friends today and learned that everyone involved is somewhat bound by these crazy policies. (Did you know that because we haven't had these boys for 3 months, we don't have to have any notice before they're removed from our homes? None at all. It's a real policy. And it's insane.)
I'm so worn and so exhausted and so lit up at the same time. I'm not okay with things like this happening. From the outside looking in, it may seem trivial to you. So he's moving? So you didn't get any notice? He won't remember any of this anyways.
Really? Do you know how vital infant bonding is for lifetime attachment issues? It's the most important thing. This baby was taken from his momma....one minute she was there, the next she was gone, and then all of a sudden, the same thing will happen with our family. We've loved him, taken care of him, made him feel safe and secure for the past 6 weeks, and within minutes tomorrow, we will simply be gone. Do you have any idea what that does to a baby psychologically? It's detrimental. DHS takes children out of bad situations and then allows for emotional situations to take place that are no different than what they experienced when originally taken from mom. The emotional toll is substantial and serious. How will he ever learn how to love and trust if we just walk out the door?
It's crazy to me. Simply crazy.
I keep telling everyone that I'm 100% on board for him going to a place where he can be with his brother. 100%. But not like this. Not overnight. He's not in an unhealthy situation. He doesn't need to be rescued from anything. But that's how everyone is acting.
Go take him from them quick! They love him too much! What if they want to keep him forever? Really? What's the problem people?! I thought I was supposed to love him like that. I thought I was supposed to fight for what's right for him. No one else is.
What's best for these boys? A healthy transition. I'm not asking for weeks. Even a few days will do.
Not only is there no transition, I was also told today that we would not be able to meet or talk to the new family. I was assured tonight that was not the case, but I'm not sure who to trust anymore.
I don't know what tomorrow holds. I do know that this child was never mine. My children aren't even mine. They belong to the Lord. I know that He will protect them, cover them, and make a way for them. His promises are true and have been prayed over each of my children...including Baby A many, many times.
Tonight in the car when Brian was telling Addison about what righteous anger is, she asked for a piece of paper, and she wrote me these words:
And before I could publish this post, that sweet baby woke up (he never does that!), and I got a text from the Founder and Executive Director of our agency (at 11:00 pm) saying that she wants to make this transition slower.
I was honestly shocked and impressed. We talked earlier this evening, and I felt like I was finally being heard, and I feel like she went to front lines for me and with me, and I'm impressed.
Now we trust that the Lord has it. That he'll make a way for her to convince the people who need convincing that these boys need a transition.
Tonight, a little bit of hope has been restored. God's got it. God will take care of it.....yes, baby. Yes, He will.